Tough

There are times I've got to remind myself that I don't have it particularly tough. The main examples being that I live in a first world country that has running water, electricity and healthcare (despite a shocking amount of isolationism) and that I'm relatively healthy, still have funds and have good friends. I own my own flat, I've got my family and I was raised in a home without abuse or difficulty.

That being said... I've been told time and time again that no matter the good fortune of one's situation, it's entirely possible not to be happy. I've been told that it's acceptable for one to be downcast, depressed and unhappy about what's going on in our heads. I'm still not convinced on that part. I've always felt that I'm not at liberty to be miserable due to the situation that I live in. It's a conflict for me, I guess.

It's silly, really

This last Thursday, I sat down on the edge of my bed to put my shoes on and the beam snapped. Under my apparently colossal weight. This sent me into a funk spiral that made me question what the fuck it was I was doing with myself that allowed this to happen. I was supposed to head out to Northcroft before all that. Fortunately, I could call my Mother, who managed to cheer me up/calm me down. I'm lucky in that regard too.

So at the moment I'm living in my living room (oddly apt) and sleeping on my sofa cushions arranged on the floor (the sofa itself is just a bit too short for me). The problem is that I know myself, I'm gonna let this drag for some time because it's just another form of laziness. That's what I've got to work on, I guess.

Something of a rambling entry, I know. I guess that I just need to refocus.

Rough

Sometimes it can be pretty rough being unemployed. It can be much easier to slip into bad habits. Almost two weeks ago I attended my brother's Graduation Ceremony for his Open University Maths Degree and I'm pleased to say that the ceremony itself went well and my brother was the subject of great pride. Afterwards... well, there are times that me and my Dad don't get on. This was one of those times. It comes down to ties.

Ties are a point of contention between my father and I. He spent more than thirty years in an office or in meetings or on planes and every day, he wore a tie to work. The only time I've ever worn a tie to work was for the Toby Carvery and that was such a shitty waste of time that I've actively sought out jobs where no such dress code is retired. To be fair, I work in retail and service and never really need something like that.

So we argued about this, he wanted to buy me a suit and tie for interviews, I rejected this idea, rather stubbornly, as I consider it to be pointless.

I don't really apply for the kind of jobs that require one to turn up in a suit and tie for interviews and quite frankly I find them very uncomfortable.

So we parted ways on unpleasant tones and I feel that it affected the good memories my brother will have about his ceremony. I don't really know who is to blame for this, whether his stubbornness is more than my stubbornness... or the other way around. I don't really know and I'm gutted that this has become an issue. Like I say, me and my Dad don't always see eye to eye. He gets on my nerves sometimes. But he's my Dad, y'know.

After we came back from Milton Keynes, I struggled to get any decent sleep for the next eleven or twelve days. My sleep has only just started to get back to a bit more normal, but for those intervening days I was struggling to get three or four hours a day, I just wasn't able to get my mind to switch off. I wasn't really able to focus on anything apart from being miserable. This happens from time to time, as I am depressed.

Without a job to take my mind off things, you have to stare at yourself in the mirror a bit more. Funny thing is, the night time doesn't bother me. I like the night, I like being awake then, it's quiet and peaceful. It's the morning that's worse. It's that harsh light around 9am that's kind of accusing and demanding to know where you are and why you're there. I try to avoid mornings for those reasons, sleep right through them.

After the first few days, I wasn't able to keep to my routines of writing, reading and swimming, I was just too tired but unable to really do anything else.

This most recent week I got hit by a particularly sucky ear-ache, which included some delightful pus (although very little). That seems to have cleared up.

So I'm sitting here on a Sunday, realising that last week all I wrote was a fruit preference. I figure that I should talk about how I felt over the last week or so because, well, that's what blogs are for, really. I need to get back to the job search, since I didn't really do any of that over the last week either, not that that should be much of a surprise.

Let's toil onwards.

The Mango of Mild Uninterest

I prefer Melon to Mango. It's official. I'll let the newspapers know.

The Melons of Delight

So after spending a full week trying to carve my way through the armoured leathery hides of delicious oranges, I have taken refuge in the soft, yielding delights of pre-packaged melon slices from Waitrose. In fact, checking my financial spreadsheet, I've been to Waitrose six times in the last seven days. I should probably go to other, cheaper supermarkets... but Waitrose is just round the corner...

I figure that as of the 1st of next month I'll be good to start talking about my ST-ing and Gaming techniques, which will help me have something specific to write and will allow me to share my vast and subjective knowledge. I'll need some time to sort out what I'm going to actually write. Also turns out that I really need some sleep, since I've been up since about 3pm yesterday and I kinda regretted that ever since.

I'll leave it there for now.

Have fun, happy campers.

+3 Orange Full Plate

So here we are, a new month that is so far being fuelled by diet Pepsi. New month, new blog entry and I'm back to that 'thinking about meaningful things to say' stage. Although I am trying to get more fruit in my diet. They say five a day, my doctor told me a while back that the best mix was four fruit and four vegetable every day... which will take a while to build up to, having that much stuff that I don't normally eat in my diet. So I'm committing this month to make sure I have one piece of fruit everyday from now on. We'll go from there.

And so to my first orange, which is sitting next to me. I tell you, the skin of the orange is there to protect it from scavenging predators. This particular orange? This one that I've spend the last four minutes trying to break into? This orange was so well defended against scavengers that it took me hacking into it with a kitchen knife to get past the skin. I mean... even then it kept fighting back, like it were some kind of fruit-based mini-boss to start off the new commitment. I may immortalise this orange in poetry form, for its sheer determination.

Nothing much else to talk about at the moment, but I'm thinking of including my notes on how I run role-play campaigns up on here soon. I was meant to run a seminar on this very subject a few weeks ago but unfortunately nobody could really attend on the day that it was arranged for (so sitting by mostly myself wasn't really worth the evening, but never mind). People do however wish to know my secrets and methods, so I guess I'll start putting them up here from now on. Perhaps. Maybe. If I'm up to it.

I'll have a think about it.

Reading at the moment? Starship Troopers.